Contemplating Silence
by Frozen Midnight
Summary: Yuki's thoughts on why he can't tell Shuichi that he loves him.


  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything relating to Gravitation and I do not claim ownership to any of the characters in this story. I am simply a tremendous fan of the show and I wanted to write a fanfic. Please don't hold that against me.   
  
**A/N:** This is a little fic, done from Yuki's POV, on why he can't tell Shuichi he loves him. Enjoy.   
  


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**_Contemplating Silence_**

  
  
There comes a time in our lives when we hate ourselves so much we cannot see anything worthwhile in our exsistance. I felt that way since I was sixteen years old. That was the night I lost all love for myself. Dispite my self-hatred, I continued living, even if it was only to spare the few people that saw goodness in me from suffering. I cut myself off from the world, hoping that, by doing so, I would save humanity from being corrupted by the evil I believed dwelled within my soul.   
  
That's when he came into my life. Him and his light, his goodness, and his innocence. He reminded me of what I had been, he reminded me that it was a cover for how evil I truly was. I believed he exsisted simply to torment me for my crimes, but he was really here to save me. I think I knew that all along, but back then, I didn't think I could be saved.   
  
Shuichi isn't like anyone else, he's completely different. If I believed in angels I would probably believe he was one of them, even Tohma can't help liking him. He trusts everyone, even when they probably don't deserve it, and he never fails to make the people around him happier.   
  
You can't go anywhere in this country anymore without hearing someone say "I love Shindou Shuichi," yet the only person who truly means those words has never said them. Shuichi's well aware that everyone in Japan knows his name, he knows that everyone he meets will either envy him or want to be his best friend, but it's not enough for him. He always tells me he loves me and he never really asks me to reply. I know my silence hurts him, but I can't say what he hears from everyone else in Japan, it wouldn't mean enough.   
  
I'm Yuki Eiri, famous romance novelist, and yet I can't even find words good enough to describe how much Shuichi means to me. I think about it when I'm awake and try to utter the words in my dreams, but it's never enough. I don't think it'll ever be enough to describe my feelings or to repair the damage I've caused him with my silence.   
  
I'm sure he's thought about leaving me more than once, I don't know why he never went through with it. He should have left me alone a long time ago, but he didn't and I find myself wondering why. Now he's sitting across from me, staring at me with that dreamy expression on his face, and the words are leaving my mouth before I can stop them, "Why are you still here?"   
  
"What do you mean, Yuki?" He asks me quietly.   
  
"I do terrible things to you Shuichi, yet you're still here. I've never told you I care for you, in fact I've said exactly the opposite since the day I met you, why are you still here?" I ask again.   
  
"Because, I know what you want to say through the silence, I know what you can't find words for. I don't need to hear you say anything Yuki, you say enough with your silence." He replies, his voice sure. It's when he uses that confident tone of voice that I know he's not the idiot he pretends to be.   
  
"If I'm silent then how can you..." I start to say, but Shuichi cuts me off.   
  
"When I tell you that I love you, you may not respond in words but your eyes look at me so intensely that I know what you want to say and why you won't say it."   
  
I remain silent as he stands up and goes off to get ready for bed, he doesn't need a response to know he was right. Someday Shuichi, I'll find the words to fill that silence and I'll never give up until I do, but until then I know you'll understand. Maybe you know the words already and maybe you know that I'll never find them...because maybe silence is clearer than words.   
  


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Well, what'd everyone think? I know it's kinda short but I think it came out alright...probably a little bit of OOC-ness but I tried to keep it as IC as I could. I hope you all liked it.   
  


_~Frozen Midnight~_

  
  



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